


If You Don't Leave Me

by suhossineun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Office, Denial, Denial of Feelings, Drabble Sequence, Drinking, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, Forbidden Love, Heartache, M/M, Mutual Pining, Puppy Love, Snapshots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 12:50:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14379024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suhossineun/pseuds/suhossineun
Summary: Falling in love with Chanyeol, seven years his junior, is the stupidest thing Junmyeon has ever done.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Nelly who has cheered me through several stories and even got me into bullet journaling for the whole month that it lasted.
> 
> This story isn't complete and has big gaps but I have faith that whatever's missing, you can all picture for yourselves.

One down side to living so close to a campus is that when midterms and finals roll around, all cafes are suddenly flooded with students cramming for their exams, writing essays, and doing group projects. Junmyeon has been out of college for years now, so he always forgets about the natural cycle of school life, until he walks into his favourite Starbucks in the neighborhood on a Saturday morning and finds it completely crowded.

His mood plummets. He was looking forward to his morning cup of coffee, just him and his newspaper subscriptions on his iPad, and now this is the reality he has to live with. Students everywhere. The cafe is three stories high but he doesn’t even have to climb up the stairs to know that it’ll be full. But no- he wants his coffee. He needs it, he’s earned it. And so he decides to push his luck- it’s not like he can’t take his takeout cup with him home if he has to.

After getting his coffee, he heads upstairs. The second floor is full like he thought it’d be, and the third floor doesn’t seem any better. But he weaves through the tables, steps over power cords, turns around corners to try and find a table. Yet there are none available, even the long one sided table at the window completely taken. But he really just wants to sit down and have his coffee, have his special Saturday routine…

There’s a one student sitting a table with four chairs all by himself, his stuff spread around in a way that suggests he isn’t expecting company. Junmyeon purses his lips. That table can fit him too, he decides, and walks over there.

“Excuse me, can I sit here?” he asks, completely startling the poor student. But once the boy recovers, he flashes Junmyeon the most brilliant of smiles. “Go ahead!” the boy says, shuffling his books a little closer to himself. “Sorry, I’m taking over so much space. There weren’t any other tables available when I got here.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Thanks.” Junmyeon sits down, puts his coffee cup on the table, and takes out his tablet to star scrolling to see what he might want to read first. And they sit in the comfortable silence for a long while, both of them just quietly focused on their own task at hand- one studying hard, one enjoying his down time.

Eventually Junmyeon finishes his cup of coffee, but now his sweet cravings are making themselves known. He sets his tablet down, glances at the boy. “Um, if I go back downstairs to order something else, can you keep an eye on my stuff?” he asks, and after he receives an enthusiastic nod from the college student, he heads back to the counter.

But it doesn’t feel right to get a treat just for himself, when he’s going to eat it in front of the poor boy. Mulling it over, he orders two cupcakes, and an americano for the boy, and takes it upstrairs with him. The student is surprised to see him return with the tray, although he tries to control his facial expression back into base line hurriedly.

“I figured you might need some fuel for studying.” Junmyeon sets the cupcake and americano down in front of him, offers him a smile. “And for letting me sit with you, too. I may look old but, I do still remember how stuff the student life can be. So enjoy.

He’s rewarded with the most beautiful smile he’s ever seen. "Thank you so much!” the student exclaims. “You’re so nice! Thank you. I was in desperate need for a break, anyway.”

And over the student’s break Junmyeon learns that his name is Chanyeol, he’s doing engineering, and he’s awfully talkative when he’s not diligently working. So talkative, in fact, that they’ve exchanged numbers and become friends by the time Junmyeon leaves the cafe that day.

It’s only just the beginning.


	2. Chapter 2

Falling for Chanyeol has to be the biggest mistake of Junmyeon’s life. 

It happens so inevitably, innocently, so gradually that he feels in control all the way until it’s too late. It’s all so simple, sharing coffees and meals together. Chanyeol makes it so simple, with his easy smiles and relaxed small talk. He’s so overwhelmingly kind and friendly, so keen to get to know Junmyeon, and his charm is so irresistible and the attention feels so good that Junmyeon doesn’t know how to fight it. Doesn’t want to fight it, even if he knows that his friendship with someone seven years his junior is a little bit strange. 

Chanyeol just makes it so easy. Too easy. 

After their initial meeting, they set up more coffee dates at the same Starbucks. It’s a place both of them frequent often on their own, so it makes sense to meet up there. Sit and talk, even share treats after a long day of work for Junmyeon and classes for Chanyeol. Junmyeon always plays the role of a doting hyung, paying for drinks and food because he knows Chanyeol doesn’t have much, and Chanyeol is always so, so grateful. It feels nice- sooths his ego in a weird way.

He’s never thought of himself as prideful, but Chanyeol’s admiration and gratitude just feel nice. And so does Chanyeol’s curiosity; he finds even Junmyeon’s boring office job riveting, keeps asking him questions about his time in college, his experiences afterwards. His young age shows the best then, how little he can relate to a lot of Junmyeon’s problems and current life situation, but he always listens to him so closely, always asks more questions to keep him talking. Junmyeon isn’t used to that, isn’t used to being the center of attention, but it’s flattering as much as it’s confusing. 

So he talks, and finds himself opening up to Chanyeol in ways he didn’t think possible. 

“You probably don’t care about any of this,” he says after spending good 15 minutes to lament about how his boss keeps giving him unreasonable deadlines for his reports and projects. “My life is so boring, all I ever do is work.” He feels so self-conscious now, ashamed almost. Why would Chanyeol be interested in anything he has to say, even if he acts the part? Chanyeol is just too kind to tell him the truth. 

But Chanyeol reveals to him then that he’s not just a college kid, but has the maturity to match Junmyeon’s level. He reaches over the table to touch Junmyeon’s hand reassuringly, his wild, bold smile turning into something more calming. 

“Hyung- if I didn’t care, then why would I keep asking to see you, and keep asking you about these things? Don’t worry so much about entertaining me. I want to be friends with you because I enjoy everything we talk about. Just trust me, and give me a little bit more credit, yeah?” His words make Junmyeon bow his head down, now feeling embarrassed for selling Chanyeol so short, although Chanyeol doesn’t really sound upset. He presses on. 

“If I want crazy stories about wild parties, I’ll talk to my friends in class, or go to MTs myself. Hyung, I really like hearing you talk, and talking to you. Please don’t worry about being boring, because you’re not.” 

“If you’re sure.” Junmyeon still isn’t so convinced- but he feels a little more reassured. Reassured enough to keep seeing Chanyeol, to let him closer. Let himself open up.

Chanyeol is just so easy, easy to trust, easy to like. His kind personality and witty sense of humor, his genuine interest in almost everything. His passion for his studies and his passion for music. His wide, beautiful smiles and his tall frame that leaves Junmyeon feeling even shorter than usual.

Really, Junmyeon should have seen it coming- but perhaps it was just his own denial that hid it from him so well. The gradual fall from just friendly interest to something infinitely more dangerous. 

Looking back, he cannot even tell when it happened. It just did. Coffee dates turned into dinners at different restaurants in the neighbourhood, or drinks at nearby bars on the weekends. Sometimes Chanyeol would refuse his offers, complaining about exams or group projects and startle Junmyeon back into the realization that Chanyeol is indeed still in college. Still so young. Junmyeon would like to say he can’t relate- but he’s not so old that he would have forgotten how college is like. He still remembers, vividly, and can sympathize. It’s just slightly jarring to be reminded of it, when Chanyeol otherwise doesn’t feel that much younger than him. Perhaps it’s the height, that allows Junmyeon to forget. 

His disappointment when Chanyeol can’t come out with him should have been a sign, but again, Junmyeon can’t see it.

And it’s just so comfortable, to just have fun with Chanyeol. To let him coax him into drinking more shots than he knows he should, to stay up later than he ever would on his own. To laugh at Chanyeol’s jokes and smile at his cheesy flirtation- but Chanyeol is a young, attractive man, and probably flirts with everyone out of instinct, so Junmyeon doesn’t think much of it. It can’t mean anything, can it? 

They’re just having fun. Clean, simple fun.

But sometimes, when they stumble out of a bar together, Chanyeol’s arm wrapped around his shoulders and holding him close, and Chanyeol pauses in his steps to give Junmyeon this look… Junmyeon’s heart does this uncomfortable thing where it feels three sizes too big for his chest, and he doesn’t know what it could be. 

But in the morning, when he wakes up tired, nauseous, and hungover, it’s not hard to pretend it didn’t happen.

When he texts Chanyeol to complain about how awful he feels and Chanyeol teases him for being an old man with no stamina left, the uncomfortable feeling curls in his stomach instead. At first, Chanyeol teasingly calling him an old man didn’t feel like much of anything, but now… Now it does bother him, for reasons he cannot explain. Reasons he doesn’t want to admit to himself. 

And then this one time, Chanyeol stays over for the night. 

They’ve both had more to drink than what would be wise, and they’re stumbling stupidly on their own feet as they leave the samgyepsal restaurant. They can’t stop giggling about it, and Junmyeon finds himself holding onto Chanyeol, arms slipping around his waist so, so easily. Chanyeol doesn’t pull away, doesn’t shove him away either, just wraps his arms around him as well and laughs, laughs so brightly that Junmyeon’s world is reeling from that alone.

“Let’s go home, hyung.” 

Junmyeon becomes so pliant and malleable when he’s drunk, and so he lets Chanyeol steer him towards his apartment, still clinging onto him. Chanyeol has taken him home enough many times that he doesn’t have to ask directions; Chanyeol’s own apartment is in the same direction too, just a few blocks further away, so they often end up walking together. It’s all part of a familiar routine by now, something they’ve done dozens of times.

In front of his apartment building, Junmyeon comes to his senses enough to realize that he should be a good hyung. “Come spend the night,” he slurs softly. “You’re too drunk, don’t go home by yourself. Something could happen.” And the thought of something happening to Chanyeol saddens him so much that he can’t help but let a frown take over his face, his drunk mind suddenly so troubled by the mere idea of it. He can’t let that happen. 

Chanyeol doesn’t argue, and just follows him home like a lovesick puppy. 

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” he says, after they’ve both had generous glasses of water and it’s time to go to bed, both of them too drunk to worry about washing up. “If you’ll just give me a blanket and a pillow, hyung.” 

But Junmyeon shakes his head, takes his wrist and tugs him towards his bedroom. “No, no, no. The couch is too short to sleep in, and you’re a giant. We can share the bed, it’s alright. It’s big enough.” 

There’s a look in Chanyeol’s eyes that forces Junmyeon to look away, but he doesn’t fight it, and simply allows Junmyeon to lead him into his room. 

It’s a tiny bedroom, and with Chanyeol, it feels smaller still, his presence somehow so loud even though he isn’t saying anything. They both take off their jeans to get comfortable and Junmyeon has the sudden urge to touch, to feel Chanyeol’s long, lean legs, and it frightens him. He dives into bed and under the covers as quickly as he can, to hide away from his ugly desires and the tempting view of Chanyeol’s half naked body. 

He doesn’t have time to regret this idea, before the lights are turned off and the mattress dips down next to him as Chanyeol lies down with him.

“Good night, hyung.” 

“Good night, Chanyeollie.” 

But he can only lay still for so long. His drunken mind, it’s full of whimsical, reckless ideas. Having Chanyeol’s warmth so close, hearing him breathe in the dark next to him, feeling him move as he adjusts to get comfortable… he hasn’t had anyone to cuddle up to at night in such a long time, he tells himself, and they’re already here. Chanyeol won’t mind. He won’t think anything of it. They’re always affectionate, so what’s the big deal?

If all else fails, he can pretend not to remember, come morning. 

He waits a little longer, gathers his courage, before rolling over to Chanyeol. He presses up against his side with a soft sigh, and can feel Chanyeol stiffen at first before he relaxes again. A second passes, another- and Chanyeol rolls on his side, facing Junmyeon now, tucking his head under his chin and laying his arm over Junmyeon’s body, legs tangling together. He breathes in deep and then relaxes, just like that, holding Junmyeon so intimately as though they’ve done this a thousand times before. 

And Junmyeon, even through the fog clouding his brain, realizes that this means something. 

This means something to him, even if not to Chanyeol. 

But even the growing panic, as the realization sinks in, isn’t enough to keep him awake, and he succumbs to sleep, his heart full and aching and fearful all at the same time. 

When he wakes up the next day, too hot and sweaty and his head aching, the first thing he sees is Chanyeol’s sleepy face and mussed up hair, lips parted and eyes puffy, cheeks glowing a soft shade of pink. And it’s in that moment that it really hits home- what he feels for Chanyeol isn’t just friendly affection, or brotherly fondness. When those turned into this burning, aching crush, he doesn’t know, cannot say, but now, it’s the hard truth. 

There’s no taking it back.

It’s such a peaceful way to have your world shatter into pieces.

Everything’s the same, yet all has changed so fundamentally. He’s developed a crush on a boy 7 years younger than him- a mere boy indeed, in his second year of college, still so new to the world of dating and love and heartache. Quite likely not a virgin, at least- but Junmyeon feels so tainted in comparison, still, so old and ruined and hopeless.

This is wrong. 

He gets out of bed, suddenly suffocating in the heat of Chanyeol’s body, and thankfully he doesn’t wake up. He takes a hot shower and brushes his teeth until his gums ache, and then prepares piping hot coffee in the kitchen to punish himself, for the hungover and for the stupidity of his bleeding heart. Just what has he done, he keeps asking himself. Where did he go so wrong? 

He’s not any closer to a solution when Chanyeol emerges from the bedroom, still sleepy and groggy and gloriously mostly naked, with his shirt riding up as he stretches and his boxers riding low on his hips. It’s such an intimate moment somehow, and now Junmyeon’s mind is full of images of them living together and this happening every single morning. Chanyeol emerging from the bedroom, sleep still clinging onto his lashes and his body still waking up, Junmyeon preparing breakfast for them both and maybe tiptoeing up for a kiss to greet him… 

Junmyeon wants to slap himself, for allowing such an idea even cross his mind. He just came to the realization that he has feelings for Chanyeol- isn’t it too much too soon to entertain such domestic fantasies? He’s truly doomed, if this is how fast the slippery slope begins for him. 

“Hyung. Morning.” Chanyeol’s voice is rough, husky, and Junmyeon wants to curl up and clasp his hands over his ears. But he does no such thing, just stands still where he is, leaning against the counter, nursing the cup of coffee in his hands against his chest. This is his punishment.

“Morning. How are you feeling?” He’s doing his best to act normal- but his world has been turned on his head, and he doesn’t know how to. Doesn’t know what normal is supposed to be, now. 

He has never been this helpless, in such a situation. Growing older, he would have thought that feelings would get less confusing- but this, this is almost like being in high school all over again. Perhaps it’s fitting, seeing how much younger Chanyeol is. 

“I’m alright. Just a little parched. How are you holding up, hyung? You woke up early.” Chanyeol comes to stand close to him, also leaning against the counter with his hips. Junmyeon is so, so aware of how close he is- the heat of his body, his scent, his height, everything. Junmyeon’s poor heart is suddenly beating so fast, pounding out of his chest, and he can’t even pretend that it would be because of the coffee. 

“I’m alright.” 

No, he isn’t.

*****

Seeing Chanyeol and spending time with him becomes so much more difficult in unexpected ways. And it feels like Chanyeol knows- his stares, his touches, his meaningful words. Either he knows, or he feels the same, and Junmyeon doesn’t know which one is worse. Chanyeol knowing about his feelings, or possibly also having feelings for Junmyeon.  
The tension builds up, and builds up, and Junmyeon doesn’t know how far it can go before something, someone has to break.

Just grabbing coffee together is painful enough, or sharing a meal together, but then Chanyeol calls him up go see cherry blossoms at Jamsil. “It’s so nice, we have to go,” Chanyeol insists over the phone. “I just finished midterms and I want to relax. Please come with me, hyung. We can even have a picnic at the river afterwards.” 

It sounds awfully romantic, awfully like a date, and Junmyeon loathes himself for not having the strength to say no. 

And it is romantic. The cherry blossoms are in full bloom, the trees growing along the banks of the lake on both sides, leading up to the bridge on the north end and in the south, stands Lotte World with its outdoor rides and small castle. There are pedals floating in the water and the skies are a beautiful shade of light blue, the sun shining on them gently like only spring sunshine can. The path is full of people to the point it being slightly uncomfortable, mostly couples walking hand in hand and families, the occasional tourist wandering with cameras in their hands. It’s so beautiful, the whole setting, and watching Chanyeol in the midst of it all makes Junmyeon feel like he’s in a romance drama, the lead girl pining after the handsome lead male.

It doesn’t make things easier to have Chanyeol reach out to him to hold hands with the excuse that he doesn’t want to get separated from Junmyeon in the crowd. 

No matter how Junmyeon tries, he can’t go back to how this would have felt before his realization of his feelings. He can’t ignore it, can’t pretend that they’re just friends and that’s all there is to it. No matter how much his morals are yelling at him for it, this doesn’t feel just friendly, or platonic even. He’s nervous, and excited, and fearful, all at the same time, and every squeeze of Chanyeol’s hand around his fingers makes his heart sing and his soul sink to the bottom of his stomach. 

He’s never been so torn about anything, or anyone. 

They don’t talk much, just take it all in. They would take pictures but there are so many people there that it’s not possible to stand alone in a photo. They walk around the lake until they get to the middle where there’s a bridge across, and then walk south again, towards Lotte World and it’s Magic Island. Chanyeol’s hand stays in Junmyeon’s, steady and warm, and each time they have to walk in a line to pass through narrow gaps, Chanyeol will glance at him over his shoulder and smile in a way that makes Junmyeon weak at the knees.

He’s just too handsome, and it’s unfair, Junmyeon decides sullenly. Maybe none of this would have happened if Chanyeol wasn’t so attractive- inside and out. 

Having witnessed the cherry blossoms and to escape the crowds there, they head towards the river to have fried chicken and beers for their picnic. That, at least, feels a little less romantic- but as they sit side by side on a blanket, almost touching, sparks flying each time their hands touch when they reach for another piece of chicken… the illusion keeps breaking, over and over again. Even the park is full of couples, all of them seemingly so madly in love, and Junmyeon is so hyper aware of how this must seem like to others passing by. Just the two of them, eating and talking quietly, in the middle of all these couples… and again, he hates himself for even thinking that, for even allowing that thought to exist. 

They finish their meal and just sit there in silence for a while, watching the river, watching the dogs playing around them. Chanyeol has a broad smile on his face, his hand resting on top of Junmyeon’s on the blanket, and at first Junmyeon doesn’t think anything of it- just guiltily enjoys the butterflies in his stomach, the roaring feeling of how wrong this is but how right this feels. And maybe if he wasn’t so occupied by his own thoughts and feelings, he might have seen it coming- but just how everything with Chanyeol so far, it takes him by surprise.

“Hyung.”

“What is it?” he turns his head to look at him, but instead of an answer, what he gets are Chanyeol’s lips on his. Chanyeol’s hands come up to cradle his face and to hold him steady, hold him still, as Chanyeol ever so gently kisses him, their mouths sliding together and Chanyeol’s nose pressing against his cheek. It’s such a soft, precious kiss, maybe how Junmyeon might have imagined it if he had allowed himself to think such things; there’s a bit of that hesitation, of kissing someone who doesn’t quite know what they’re doing, of kissing someone who doesn’t know if their feelings will be returned. And Junmyeon kisses back, before he can catch himself and reel in the excitement breaking loose. 

Before his rational self kicks back in, and takes the reins. 

He pulls away from the kiss quickly, pressing a hand to his mouth, turning his body away. The shock of what just happened is settling in, the realization of what they have done. Of what this means- how dirty he feels.

“Hyung…” Chanyeol sounds less confident now. “What’s the matter?”

“What’s the matter?” Junmyeon can’t even articulate for a moment, just opening and closing his mouth repeatedly but the words, they don’t come so easy. “We shouldn’t- we can’t be doing this, Chanyeol!” 

“What do you mean.” Chanyeol is confused, and when Junmyeon chances a glance at his face, his brows are furrowed, his cheeks and lips pink. Defensive, flustered, shy- Junmyeon’s heart aches. “What do you mean by that, hyung? Do you not… do you not feel the same?”

“That is not the point, although I don’t really understand how you know that I have feelings like that,” Junmyeon mutters, purposefully lowering his voice so that not everyone around them can hear them. “Chanyeol, we can’t be doing this- feelings or no feelings, you’re too young. I’m too old. We can’t. We shouldn’t.” 

Chanyeol’s expression darkens, and he crosses his arms over his chest now. Perhaps he knew to expect this, perhaps he feared this might happen. “The tension has been pretty obvious, hyung,” he says, and now he sounds almost angry. “You’re not an actor, hyung. You wear your heart on your sleeve. I’ve been crushing on you since day one, and I should have been blind to miss all the signs you were giving me. But what’s age got to do with any of this? I’m legal.” 

Junmyeon can only shake his head. He feels so exposed, finding out that Chanyeol already knew- has known for a long time. He feels so bare, so stripped from all the walls he thought he’d built. But that’s not even the real issue at hand.

“You’re barely 21,” he cries out, gesturing wildly between himself and Chanyeol. “And I’m seven years older than you! I’m ancient, I’m a pervert, I feel so dirty just thinking about it. You’re too young, Chanyeol. Too inexperienced.” 

“That’s literally just all in your head,” Chanyeol snaps, his tone turning sharper. “Just excuses you’ve made for yourself. If you can be my friend, then why can’t you date me? We connect, we have conversations, and you’ve never expressed before that you feel like I’m immature. And I’m not a virgin, and I have dated before, if that’s what you’re so worried about.” 

It’s so hard to keep arguing when Junmyeon wants to agree so bad. His traitorous heart wants to accept Chanyeol’s words as truth and believe him, give him the hope he yearns… But no. His sensible self just can’t give in.

“I’m too old,” he repeats, pleading Chanyeol to understand. “I’m busy with my career, I have so much to do, so many expectations on me- you can’t bring home someone my age, Chanyeol. I’m in a stage in my life where dating is serious, where I want to settle down, live together, all of that- I don’t want you to be burdened by that. You should be with someone your age, in the same stage of their life. I’m too old. There’s no changing that.” 

“You say that like I couldn’t want to settle down.” For the first time now, Chanyeol sounds hurt. “You’re not even going to give us a chance because you’ve already decided for yourself that we could never want the same things, without even asking me about it?”

Chanyeol’s upset voice is what propels Junmyeon to get up on his feet, end this conversation. It’s too hard, he doesn’t want to do this. Doesn’t want to pretend like his heart doesn’t want this, too.

“I don’t have to ask, because I know. I’m an old man, and you’re not. You’re a college kid, Chanyeol. You have your whole life ahead of you. Once this silly crush passes, you’ll thank me. You’ll understand when you’re older.” And he knows that that’s a low blow, that’s so hurtful, but he just wants Chanyeol to leave him alone. Knowing that Chanyeol feels the same as he does, knowing that he could have it if only he said yes- it’s making it almost impossible to refuse it. 

He needs to leave. 

“I’m going home.” And he walks away, just like that, without looking back. If Chanyeol runs after him, he doesn’t hear his footsteps, and at least he never calls after him, or tries to touch him. It’s better this way. Junmyeon’s heart is in shambles, knowing that he might have just destroyed his friendship with him as well, but he always knew that this could never end well. 

He always knew that this crush was never going to go anywhere, yet to have it crash and burn like this is still jarring, painful. 

Junmyeon feels like he’s gotten his heart broken, and it’s so unfair when nothing ever even truly happened between them. It isn’t supposed to hurt like this, he was supposed to have gotten out of it on time.

He spends the night curled up on his couch, his phone turned off and hidden away, and watches as many Start Wars movies as he can, back to back, just drowning his feelings into his favourite movies to keep himself distracted. It only works so well, but it’s the only thing he can think of doing- the only thing that doesn’t somehow remind him of Chanyeol, who’s become such an integral part of his life already that it’s hard to find anything to do that wouldn’t make him think about him again. 

If he didn’t have work the next day he’d see if alcohol could make him forget faster, but he’s a responsible adult and so he holds himself back. It’s starting to feel like being a sensible grownup is really the source of all of his troubles, though, because he wouldn’t even be in this situation and in this pain if he allowed himself to be a little more reckless. But he’ll be grateful for these mature decisions later- once the irrational feelings pass. Surely. 

If he sheds any tears that night into his pillow, he would never admit to such in the morning. 

Days pass before Chanyeol reaches out to him. Junmyeon is surprised that he does at all- he was sure that their quarrel ended their relationship, platonic or not. He just couldn’t see a way around it, not at least until their feelings would vanish. And as much as he hated the very thought of completely losing Chanyeol, he also understood that not seeing him again would make moving on so much easier.

Also he’s a big coward who could not bring himself to be the first one to try and make amends. 

[ chanyeollie ] hyung  
[ chanyeollie ] maybe you don’t want to hear from me at all idk but  
[ chanyeollie ] I feel like I couldn’t just let things be like this  
[ chanyeollie ] I still don’t think you’re right about anything you said but if you don’t want to be with me like that, I have to respect that don’t I  
[ chanyeollie ] I would still like to be friends, at least  
[ chanyeollie ] please hyung. I don’t want to lose you.

It’s heartfelt and direct, just how Chanyeol always tends to be. Junmyeon can hear his voice, can picture his expression as he’d say that to him directly, and oh how much it stings. Look at how mature he can be, a voice whispers to him, tempting him. Look at how well he’s handling this. Could just a mere boy do this? Is he really so unfit to date you?   
Junmyeon does his best to shut that voice down immediately. He doesn’t need to entertain any false hope or foolish ideas- mature or not, Chanyeol is still absolutely too young for him, no questions about it. Nothing has changed, and nothing will change. 

But he does agree with Chanyeol. He wants to stay friends, if at all possible. If Chanyeol is willing to give it a try, then so is he. 

[ Junmyeonnie hyung ] I want to be friends as well. I never meant that we should stop hanging out altogether  
[ Junmyeonnie hyung ] I cherish our friendship very much and nothing is going to change that  
[ Junmyeonnie hyung ] let’s meet up so we can talk yeah

[ chanyeollie ] let’s do that

But grabbing coffee, although they’ve done it dozens of times by now, somehow feels so awkward. It’s almost impossible to think of anything to say, and so they simply order their coffees and then wait for the beverages in silence. Even once they get seated at the table, the tension is palpable. Maybe meeting in public wasn’t the best idea, but Junmyeon really doesn’t want to spend time with Chanyeol in private. He really has no faith in himself. It’s best to stay on safe territory. 

“So… how have you been?” he asks finally. He dreads to hear the answer, but Chanyeol is merciful, and instead of trying to make him feel bad he just simply shrugs his broad shoulders. 

“Nothing unusual. Just college stuff.” He takes a long sip of his coffee, stares out the window behind Junmyeon to avoid looking at him. It stings. Chanyeol has never treated him this distantly, has never been this aloof- it doesn’t suit him, and it feels wrong. 

It’s a drastic comparison to how things were just a few days ago, and now Junmyeon isn’t sure if they can ever go back. Back to how things used to be. 

“I see. Did you get your midterm results back yet? I hope you did well.” He almost cringes himself at how awkward and forced that sounded. He’s talking very much like a distant uncle meeting his nephew for Seollal, or something. This isn’t how it should be. 

Chanyeol shrugs again. “It was alright. I passed all of them, so that’s something. A couple of As, some Bs. Not too shabby.” 

He doesn’t offer Junmyeon anything to continue the conversation with, and Junmyeon is at a loss. If Chanyeol hadn’t suggested this himself, he’d think that he doesn’t even want to be here, that’s how reluctant he’s acting. He runs his fingers along the rim of his cup, staring down at the liquid.

“I knew you’d do well.” Again, the distant uncle speech. “I mean, you studied well, didn’t you.” The silence returns once more, and Junmyeon fiddles with his coffee cup. Chanyeol’s hands are right there on the table and before, Junmyeon wouldn’t have thought twice about touching him, idly playing with his long fingers, but now the distance feels like it’s miles and miles long. The table between them is wide as the ocean, and he doesn’t know how he could ever swim across it.

Chanyeol doesn’t seem to know it either. “So, how’s work?” The question comes out stilted, forced, like Chanyeol had to push himself to say it. “Been busy?”

“Yeah, well, the usual.” It’s Junmyeon’s turn to shrug. “You know how it gets sometimes at the office. But I was promised an extra day off next week for all the overtime I’ve been doing, so I’m looking forward to that.” 

“No, I don’t know how it gets. I’m just a college kid, remember.” Chanyeol’s voice is bitter and biting as he says that, and it makes Junmyeon jerk back as though the words physically hurt him. And it does sting- the hostility in that statement, the anger and resentment. But at the same time, he knows he cannot be mad. He deserved that.

“Well. I’ve told you about it before a little bit.” He deems it best not to confront Chanyeol about it. He didn’t come here to argue, and he knew that Chanyeol was just as hurt as he is. Bridging the ocean between them, it isn’t easy, even if both of them want to do it. He can already read guilt in Chanyeol’s eyes, and he doesn’t want that. “Uh, would you like to hang out next weekend? I’ll have the Friday off and I want to do something to relax.” 

It’s an uncomfortable offer to make, it’s too much too soon, but Junmyeon just craves for things to go back to normal. This is torture, and the sooner this ends… His heart clenches in his chest because deep down, he fears that they will never go back to how they used to be.

He tells himself it only hurts because of his crush. That it really doesn’t matter. 

“Um, maybe.” Chanyeol casts his eyes down at his lap, absently picking at his left thumb. It looks red and irritated, the skin around all of his nails the same way. It’s probably a stress thing, or perhaps anxiety. “I’m not sure if I have something coming up. I’ll get back to you, hyung.” 

“That’s alright,” Junmyeon says gently. “I know how your deadlines are like. We don’t have to decide anything now, I’ll just keep all my plans open. Just let me know when you know.” 

“Yeah, I will. Thanks for asking, hyung.” But the smile he gives Junmyeon isn’t genuine at all, and Junmyeon can’t bear to look at it for long. 

When they finally admit defeat, and stand up to leave, Chanyeol grabs his arm suddenly, bringing Junmyeon closer to him, their bodies almost touching but not quite. “Hyung…” He swallows heavily, his fingers squeezing tighter. “Hyung… Are you sure we couldn’t give us a chance? As a couple? Please… Please, please think about it. Please. All I’m asking is for you to a least consider it.” 

It takes Junmyeon by surprise and his resolve is the weakest it has ever been, after the torturous distance and silence between them, but he knows he shouldn’t give in. He can’t give in, he can’t do it to Chanyeol. Can’t ruin his life like that. It hurts, it hurts even more than it hurt in the park, but he shakes his head, pries Chanyeol’s hand off him. “No, Chanyeol,” he whispers. “I can’t. It’s never going to work. You said you’d respect my decision and we could be just friends, so please, don’t do this. Please don’t.” 

They’re both pleading each other for something, but only one of them can have what they want. Yet even as Chanyeol nods obediently and hangs his head down, Junmyeon still doesn’t win- his heart, it doesn’t feel joy. 

They leave the café, and Junmyeon doesn’t dare say anything else but wish Chanyeol a good evening, no mention of doing this again. He honestly doesn’t know if he can- if he can possibly do this again.

But they keep trying. It’s tired, cautious text messages strewn throughout their days, asking each other if the other person has had lunch yet and reminding each other to rest enough and not work so hard. To get home early and to take it easy sometimes. There’s no heart in any of it, just empty words that once could have meant something but now just hide all the things they cannot say. But it’s still something- even if such a far cry from how things used to be.

It’s short coffee dates that just don’t get any easier. It’s awkward silences and avoiding eyes and nervous hands playing with the straws or the lids of their coffee cups. Neither of them refuses when the other person suggests they meet up, but it’s always the same. The horrible, empty shell of what they used to have, what this used to be.   
Junmyeon really isn’t so sure anymore that it’ll get any easier.

He might have lost Chanyeol already, and he begins to wonder if he should just let him go. Just stop trying, because it isn’t working. 

And he finds that he isn’t getting over him. Nothing is helping his stupid, stupid emotions. His tummy still flutters when Chanyeol is close to him, or when Chanyeol sends him a text message. He has a special notification tone set just for Chanyeol, and the chime makes Junmyeon perk up like a puppy before the realization kicks back in. 

No matter how many times he tells himself that he’s an idiot and this is all completely ridiculous, the feelings refuse to budge. No amount of rationalization and strict speeches on morals help him any. He can only hope that Chanyeol is fairing a little better.

His hope proves to be false when Chanyeol comes knocking on his door late at night, drunk out of his mind. 

Junmyeon is already asleep in bed, having drifted off a couple of hours ago, when the loud knocks startle him awake. His heart is pounding and he’s disoriented, unsure of what is even going on. Is there a fire in the building, or are the cops coming to get him? He has no idea. He stumbles out of bed and to the front door, alarmed and scared of what he’s going to see when he opens it. But no one can come in without the passcode for the door to the lobby, so it can’t be a murderer, right… Perhaps it’s just a drunk neighbor who’s at the wrong door, he thinks, as he yanks the door open. 

He’s greeted with Chanyeol literally falling into his arms, the smell of beer and grilled food thick around him, his body almost boneless before he can get hold of himself and he gets back on his feet, no matter how unsteady. “Hyung,” he slurs, but his eyes can’t even focus on Junmyeon’s face. “Hyung.” 

“What on earth, Chanyeol?” Junmyeon hisses at him, but reaches around him to close the door. The neighbors don’t need to hear this. “Why are you here? And why are you so drunk?”

“Because,” Chanyeol hiccups, but then never finishes the sentence. He leans back against the now closed door, flashing Junmyeon a lopsided smile. “Because.” 

“How are you so drunk, Chanyeol?” Junmyeon repeats the question. He already knows that he’s going to have to let Chanyeol stay the night. As much as he’d like to send him away, as much as it hurts to have him here, he can’t do that to him. Even without the stupid romantic feelings, he cares too much. 

Chanyeol shrugs, and clumsily toes off his shoes, almost falling over in the process. “Went out with friends,” he murmurs. “They said… They said I need to stop moping because of you. That I need to go out and live a little, forget about you because you aren’t shit, hyung.” 

That stings, but Junmyeon knows he’s deserved that. Yet despite how hard it’s been for both of them to move on, he’s a bit surprised to hear this- that Chanyeol hasn’t moved on yet either. He had hoped… and feared, that Chanyeol was already letting go and that the awkwardness only persisted because of Junmyeon. 

“Alcohol is not the answer,” he chooses to say instead, as though he hasn’t been drowning his own sadness in red wine. “Especially not this much of it. I’ve never seen you this drunk. Why are you here, then? Why didn’t you go home?” 

Chanyeol’s head lolls forward, his shoulders hunch over. “Because I missed you,” he whispers, barely audible and coherent. “I missed you so much, hyung… I wanted to be with you. Even if I can’t be with you… I want to be with you.” 

That’s just twisting the knife in the wound, and Junmyeon has a hard time staying collected. But he knows that he must, for Chanyeol is too vulnerable right now to take care of himself in the slightest. “Of course you can come here any time you want,” he says. “And I’d rather you’re here now than alone at home, since you’re so drunk. It’s safer you’re not alone. C’mon, let’s get you to bed.” 

Hauling Chanyeol around isn’t so easy, but somehow they make it to his bedroom. Chanyeol collapses on the mattress and it’s up to Junmyeon to strip him down as much as he can, and get him comfortable. He makes him drink some water and gets a bucket for him at the bedside, just in case. Chanyeol is mumbling incoherently into the pillow, hardly responsive now even when Junmyeon talks to him, but it seems like he’s just getting sleepy now. 

Chanyeol is taking up most of the space on the bed, and Junmyeon doesn’t know if in the current state of their relationship it would be alright for him to join him. Perhaps it would make Chanyeol uncomfortable, to wake up next to Junmyeon. But as Junmyeon tucks Chanyeol in properly and then grabs himself a pillow to go sleep on the couch, Chanyeol lifts up his head and stares at him groggily but still with palpable alarm. “Hyung… Where are you going?” he asks, his lower lip jutting out in a heart wrenching pout. “Don’t leave… I want to be with you. That’s why I came…” 

“Chanyeollie…” Junmyeon doesn’t know what to say, but his hesitation seems to be answer enough to Chanyeol, whose lower lip now visibly wobbles and oh no. If there’s one thing Junmyeon doesn’t want to deal with, it’s crying, drunk Chanyeol. This is already bad enough. 

“Are you sure?” He has to make sure- although chances are that Chanyeol won’t remember any of this in the morning, so what good is drunk Chanyeol’s consent now? Yet he still has to ask. “Are you sure that this is what you want?”

“Why do you always have to be so fucking sensible,” Chanyeol moans, dropping his head back down on the pillow angrily. “Why do you always have to make these sucky decisions and pretend that it’s for my own good?”

Oh, wow. That really takes Junmyeon back, and he feels helpless faced with such a question. He has no answer- nothing to offer in the way of justification. Chanyeol really hit the nail on the head there, involuntarily or not. 

“I just worry,” he murmurs back, but also places the pillow back on the mattress. “Hyung cares about you, and doesn’t want to see you hurt. But alright. I’ll stay. I’ll just turn off the light and be right back.”

He almost doesn’t catch Chanyeol’s next words, as he walks away from the bed. “If you cared about hurting me, you wouldn’t reject me for no valid reason,” he mutters. “If you cared about hurting me… why do you keep hurting me so much…”

Junmyeon can only purse his lips together and bite his inner cheek, to stop himself from responding to that in any way. He doesn’t have anything to say that would make it better, after all. 

He curls up in bed next to Chanyeol, careful not to touch him even slightly, but it takes a while before Chanyeol’s words stop ringing in his head so that he can fall asleep. 

Like last time, he wakes up in Chanyeol’s arms. It’s too hot, sticky, and Chanyeol reeks of alcohol and stale breath and all things nasty, but it’s Junmyeon’s heart that aches the most out of all. And he had been hoping that time would help heal these wounds- and perhaps it would, yet Chanyeol ripped all wounds open last night. Junmyeon wishes he could forget like he’s sure Chanyeol already has.

But like the sensible adult that he is, he gets up, gets ready for work like he should. It’s a weekday after all, and partially, he’s glad to get away from Chanyeol before he wakes up. He’d order Chanyeol some hangover soup to have ready for him when he wakes up, but he doesn’t have the time to wait for the delivery guy, and so he just leaves as quietly as he can. Last glimpse into the bedroom shows him Chanyeol sprawled out on the bed, snoring quietly, with his long legs sticking out at the end of the blanket. Junmyeon has to fight the urge to go tuck him in, and force himself out of the door. Duty calls. 

Yet he can’t forget about Chanyeol’s words. Chanyeol has been diligent about hiding his feelings and although Junmyeon knew he must have been hurting… he has to admit now that he was discrediting the genuineness of Chanyeol’s feelings. Perhaps as a coping mechanism to avoid feeling even more guilt than he already did, he had assumed Chanyeol’s affection would pass much quicker than this. That he wouldn’t have been so deeply attached to Junmyeon- romantically, at least. 

He’d figured Chanyeol would grow out of it soon enough, find someone else to tickle his fancy instead. He realizes now with shame that he assumed Chanyeol’s feelings to have been nothing but a childish whim that would pass quicker than they had come to be. 

A quiet voice in his heart whispers, perhaps if to Chanyeol this is meaningful and genuine, then he could really be dedicated to a relationship. If to him this is not a flimsy crush, then perhaps he wouldn’t mind settling down… wouldn’t mind committing to Junmyeon, despite his many flaws. Despite him living the life of a boring adult who can’t go out and drink till he drops on a weekday. 

Besides, he’s known all this time that Chanyeol isn’t truly like that. For a college kid, he’s always been quite sensible- but Junmyeon didn’t want to admit that, not in his desperate struggle to find excuses. 

But even if Junmyeon is now convinced of Chanyeol’s feelings being real and lasting, he still can’t excuse the massive age gap between them. Seven years is a lot, especially now; if Chanyeol was 31 and Junmyeon 38, he wouldn’t mind it. But 21… It’s so awfully young, and still so lacking in life experience. 

The same voice reminds him that he’s already sold Chanyeol short once. Can he be sure he isn’t doing it again? 

Troubled by his thoughts, Junmyeon decides to have his lunch outside of the office, just to get some fresh air and to use the opportunity to call his older brother, Minseok. All his life, he’s always turned to him for advice, and getting someone else’s perspective on this could really help him clear his head. 

Minseok picks up almost immediately. “How’s it going?” he asks, sounding quite chipper. “I haven’t heard from you in a while, Jun.” 

“I got busy with stuff,” Junmyeon murmurs, hurrying across the road as the light turns green. “You could have called me too, you know.” 

“Fair,” Minseok admits. “So what reminded you of my existence now? Aren’t you at work?” 

“Well yeah, but I’m on my lunch break.” Junmyeon already knows where he wants to go. There’s a small Kimchi Heaven nearby where the aunties already know his usual order by heart. “And I needed your advice on something.” 

“Go on.” 

Junmyeon explains the situation in hushed tones as he makes his way to the restaurant, and waits for his food to arrive. He feels ashamed admitting out loud the kind of trouble he’s in, but it’s also a relief to finally share it with someone else. It’s been weighing on him a lot more than he even thought it had. Just telling Minseok all of this makes him feel a little bit better, regardless of what advice he’ll give. 

“I didn’t take you for the type to do this, but somehow I’m also not so surprised,” Minseok muses once Junmyeon is done with his story and moves on to stuff his cheeks with fried rice. “Seven years younger? Is he hot?” 

“Hyung, that’s nothing to think about,” Junmyeon mumbles, disgruntled. Leave it to his big brother to use any opportunity to tease him. He’s always been a bully. “Tell me that I should stay away from him. It’s the right thing to do.” 

There’s a moment of silence on the other end. “Jun, you do know that mom and dad have eight years between them, almost nine,” he says, taking Junmyeon by surprise with the direction this is going. “Big age gap doesn’t necessarily have to be a deal breaker. Sounds like you both are quite hung up on each other, so why should you fight it?” 

“Because he’s almost a child.” Junmyeon stabs angrily at the fish cakes and pops them in his mouth. “21, hyung, that’s nothing. He hasn’t even gone to the military yet. He’s living his life as a free college kid, he’s going to tire of me just like that. Being friends is one thing but romantic partners is a totally different kind of beast.” 

Minseok hums. “You’re making excuses because you’re scared,” he says, hitting the nail on the head just like that. It’s scary how well his brother knows him, but Junmyeon guesses he should be grateful for the bond that they have. “But are you really scared of his young age, or something else? Like commitment, or getting hurt?” 

“I’m scared of his young age because it’s going to hurt me,” Junmyeon mumbles, but he can hear the lie ringing in his words. Minseok is right. He really is making excuses, to protect himself. He already knows that Chanyeol is far from immature. He’s silent for a while as he slowly realizes the full truth, and Minseok just waits silently for Junmyeon to understand what his brother already knows.

“I’m scared of not being enough.” It’s what it boils down to. Not being fun enough, not exciting enough. Just not enough for someone like Chanyeol who has the whole world in the palm of his hand, ripe for the taking, all doors open. Why would he settle for someone so dull as Junmyeon, who’s past his prime and settled into a trajectory of steady boredom? 

How could he ever be enough?

“Perhaps you should let the kid decide for himself if you’re enough for him or not.”

*****

Junmyeon is a coward. But he knows that letting Chanyeol just drift away from him is going to be the biggest regret of his life, if he doesn’t do something about it. And he doesn’t have much time left; he can tell now that Chanyeol has resolved to just let the distance grow. The texts come in few and far between, and none of Junmyeon’s weak attempts at making plans ever work out. Chanyeol always has an excuse, always has a reason why he can’t come.

But thinking of a future without Chanyeol in it, it’s bleak. 

Junmyeon owes Chanyeol that he tries, even if it might be too late already. 

He’s never been to Chanyeol’s apartment, but he knows the apartment building as he’s walked Chanyeol there a couple of times. He makes his way there after checking on Chanyeol via text to find out that he is indeed at home, studying. But study time will have to wait, because it’s now or never. Junmyeon has been mustering all of his courage for days, using his self-loathing and pain to find the strength to do this, and he can’t back down now or else he’ll never see this through. He marches there with as much determination as he can find in himself, his heart loud in his ears although not from the exertion.

When he gets to the building, he calls Chanyeol. It rings and rings, and Junmyeon’s anxiety keeps building up with each signal tone. What if Chanyeol won’t pick up? What if Chanyeol wants to avoid him that badly? What if Chanyeol can see him from the window and knows he’s here, and won’t answer for that reason? What if…

“Hyung?” 

Chanyeol’s voice is small, confused. Perhaps he sat there all this while just staring at his phone like a wild animal, unable to decide what to do about it. Junmyeon would feel sort of relieved to know that he’s not the only one who’s a mess of nerves right now.

“Yeah, hi Chanyeollie. Um, I know it’s late and you probably don’t want to see me, but I’m outside your building right now. Could you let me in? I won’t be long.” A stray cat runs across the street, glaring at Junmyeon as it goes. It feels like the entire world is against him, stray kitties included. 

Chanyeol hesitates, stammers and struggles to give an answer. “Ah- y-yeah, yeah, sure. Ring me, I’ll open the door. My apartment number’s 406.” He ends the call just like that, and Junmyeon marches up to the front door, presses the button for 406. The intercom crackles and then the door slides open, and Junmyeon slips inside.

Chanyeol is waiting for him at the door when he makes it to the fourth floor. “Hi, hyung,” he mutters, stepping aside so that Junmyeon can enter the small apartment. It’s just a studio with barely sufficient kitchen supplies, a bed, and a desk, but Junmyeon can tell that Chanyeol’s made an effort to make it as homey as possible with posters, stuffed animals, and other little trinkets that he probably brought here from his childhood home. It’s cute and Junmyeon almost comments on it, but then Chanyeol closes the door behind himself and the silence is suddenly all too deafening. 

“You can leave your shoes and jacket here,” Chanyeol gestures at a corner next to the door as he slips past Junmyeon and further into the room, sitting at his desk. His laptop is open with a wall of text in the text editor- so he was really studying after all. “Um- is there a reason you dropped by?” 

“I think I’d rather just leave everything on.” Junmyeon crosses his arms over his chest, stares down at the tips of his shoes. “I might not stay for much longer. Depending…” But he doesn’t know how to end that sentence. Doesn’t know how he’s going to do any of this.

Chanyeol’s chair creaking is the only sound for a while as they just stay like that, both waiting for something that isn’t coming. “That’s… that’s fine, I guess,” Chanyeol finally mutters. “So uh… I guess it’s something important, since you had to come all the way here to tell me.” 

“Well, you’ve refused to meet me in person for the past week or so,” Junmyeon says, although he wants to take it back as soon as he’s said it. “I mean. I suppose after how we saw each other last… you didn’t maybe want to face me at all.” 

Chanyeol sighs. “Hyung… I’m sorry. I guess I was just embarrassed. I don’t know what made me do it… I shouldn’t have barged in like that. It was pathetic.” 

“No- no, it’s fine. You said some things that… made me think. Think about us.” Junmyeon wraps his arms tighter around himself in an attempt to calm down. This is the most difficult thing he’s ever done, and he’s scared- but he knows that he has nothing left to lose. The only thing he has to fear is getting hurt, and he knows that it’s the very thing that he needs to overcome. He can’t let that stand in the way of his happiness. Chanyeol’s happiness. 

“I haven’t been able to forget my feelings for you,” he confesses in a whisper. “I’ve tried. The heavens know I’ve tried, Chanyeol. But they’re not going anywhere. And I realized that yours… haven’t disappeared either. And at the same time, we’ve begun to drift apart. We’ve grown more and more distant, even though we’ve made such an effort not to. And it hurts. It hurts to think about losing you. It hurts to think about a life without you.” 

The words bubble up now as though he’s afraid he’ll run out of time to say it all. He can’t look at Chanyeol, can’t witness how he might react to his words- but he needs to say all this out loud now. “That doesn’t mean I’m not scared. I’m afraid- of not being enough for you. Of being hurt. It’s not… it’s not about our age difference, it isn’t. I mean, I know that it’s going to make things more complicated and maybe eventually it’ll also be why we don’t work out… but if I don’t give us even a chance, then we’ll never know what might happen. It scares me so much to take that leap of faith, but I also can’t live with this pain. The pain of losing you, hurting you. Wondering what we could have had, if I wasn’t such a coward.” 

He blinks, and tears fall down his cheeks silently. “I’m so afraid…” His voice fades into a whisper. “And I don’t know how I could be enough for you. How someone like you… would choose me, over everyone else. But I know my feelings are real, they are, and I want to believe that yours are true. I should give you more credit. You’re mature, you’re dedicated- you’re not some flighty bastard looking for a quick fuck. And just because I’m afraid of what the future might bring, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t give us a chance. A chance at being happy after all. No one can promise me forever. It has nothing to do with age, or maturity. There just are no forevers…” 

Finally, he looks up at Chanyeol. Chanyeol also has tears in his eyes, his lower lip stuck in between his teeth as he worries on it anxiously. But Junmyeon isn’t sure what he sees in his eyes- hope? Hurt? Something else? But he’s come this far. 

“If you still want me… I would like us to try. Try being happy. Together. If you’ll still have me, even though I’ve put you through all this for no reason.” 

Chanyeol gets up on his feet then, crosses the room to get to Junmyeon as his arms reach out for him, and scoop him up, hold him so tight. “Hyung… Junmyeon hyung.” His voice is thick with tears but his embrace is warm, firm, unwavering, and Junmyeon just melts into it, clings to Chanyeol like he’s wanted to do for days, weeks, even months. “Of course I’ll have you… always, always.” 

“I don’t deserve you,” Junmyeon whispers, his voice cracking ever so slightly. “I don’t deserve your courage, or your kindness… I’m so sorry I was so blind, and said all those things. It was never about you. It was never your fault. It was me, me alone.” 

“No, don’t.” Chanyeol pulls back to smile at him, to cup his cheek gently in his big hand. “Don’t blame yourself. It’s alright. I’m not upset- not anymore. What matters is that you could overcome that, no matter how scared you are. Thank you for giving us a chance after all… giving me a chance.” 

“I’m sorry it took so long.” Junmyeon tiptoes up, and Chanyeol gets the hint. He meets him half way for a kiss, and this time, it’s searing, burning, hungry- they’ve denied themselves this for so long, and now, now it feels impossible to let go. 

But this time, they won’t have to, not until they’ve had their fill.


	3. Chapter 3

“I should have never gone to college for engineering,” Chanyeol groans for the umpteenth time already, laying his head down on his text book. He’s been studying for his finals for good few hours now, and he can feel a throbbing headache start at the back of his skull. Yet he’s nowhere near being finished with what he needs to revise. “This is too tough, I can’t do it, I’m an idiot.”

“Don’t say that.” Junmyeon looks over his shoulder where he’s preparing dinner. Chanyeol likes studying in the kitchen, because at least he gets to be closer to his boyfriend while he does. It’s not the same as actually hanging out together, but this is all they can do during the finals season. “You have an amazing GPA, you’re graduating soon, and you like what you study. At least, when you’re not prepping for exams.”

Chanyeol groans out loud. “Stop being so realistic and rational about this,” he grumbles. “Just because you’re out of college and a grandpa doesn’t mean you get to talk sense to me when I want to whine.”

Junmyeon, that bastard, laughs out loud. “And here I thought you were dating me exactly because I’m so wise and sound,” he teases his boyfriend as he wipes his hands clean to walk up to Chanyeol and rub his shoulders. “Why else would you be dating a grandpa like me, huh?”

“For your round and firm ass?” Chanyeol ventures, and gets smacked on the head like he knew he would. “Gosh, I would much rather just bend you over right here, or sit you on my cock in my lap, than be studying any of this. Can we, please?”

“Absolutely not.” Junmyeon frowns at him and pulls away, narrowly escaping Chanyeol’s grabby hands and walking back to the stove. “If you don’t study now, you’re only going to be more stressed out tomorrow. This is why you have a revision schedule, remember? To avoid having to cram everything last minute.”

“Yes, grandpa Jun,” Chanyeol sighs, but he picks up his pencil again. “God, I hate how sensible you are. Saving money for our own apartment, working out six days a week, eating vegetables, making revision schedules for me… you really are a pain in the ass.” But he says it all fondly, with no heat- he knows that Junmyeon knows those are the kind of qualities he absolutely adores in his sweet, cute boyfriend, seven years his senior. They’re an odd couple, but they’ve made it work.

“You’re an even bigger pain in my ass, literally.” Junmyeon giggles shamelessly at his lame joke, decidedly ignoring Chanyeol’s loud complaints. “One more chapter and I might blow you as a reward.”

Suddenly studying doesn’t sound so daunting anymore.


End file.
